Words That Heal

September 12, 2025

It is the season of t’shuvah. As you probably know, t’shuvah, often translated as “repentance,” literally means “return,” and refers to the process of turning away from sin and returning to the right path. It is a deceptively simple concept, for t’shuvah is actually one of the most powerful ideas in Judaism. The Sages believed that t’shuvah had miraculous powers. Consider these statements from the Talmud: “Great is t’shuvah, which lengthens the years of a person’s life.” Great is t’shuvah, as one’s intentional sins are turned into merits.” “Great is t’shuvah because the entire world is forgiven on account of one individual who repents.” “Great is t’shuvah, for it brings healing to the world.” and “Great is t’shuvah, for it hastens redemption” (BT Yoma 86a-b). Even if the Rabbis were speaking hyperbolically, the point is clear: t’shuvah can change everything. 

The talmudic Sages liked to wax eloquent about t’shuvah as an abstract idea, but they and their descendants were also very aware of the need for down-to-earth, practical guidelines for how to achieve this transformation. Particularly regarding sins against other human beings, there is a well-defined process for t’shuvah. The classic description of t’shuvah is found in the Mishneh Torah, the law code written by the 12th-century rabbi known as the Rambam, or Maimonides. Here are the steps outlined by the Rambam:

1. Acknowledge that one has done wrong. 

2. Feel remorse for having done wrong and stop doing it.

3. Confess.

4. Make restitution and apologize.

5. Make different choices next time.
   

You’ll notice that the process of t’shuvah is multi-faceted: some steps are private, others public, some intellectual, others emotional. T’shuvah involves thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.  

Today I want to focus on the two steps that involve speech, confession and apology. They might seem to be redundant, but they are different in that they have different recipients. Confession refers either to a private confession to God in prayer, or to a public acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Nowadays, only celebrities make public confessions. Confession is for the sinner. It is part of the process of the perpetrator accepting responsibility for her actions. First, the wrongdoer feels culpability and remorse in his heart, and then he makes it real by speaking it aloud.  Apology, on the other hand, is for the wronged party. The apology is coupled with restitution because it is meant to help heal the victim. The Rambam emphasizes, “Even if a person restores the money that he owes [the person he wronged], he must [also] appease him and ask him to forgive him. Even if a person only upset a colleague by saying [certain] things, he must appease him and approach him [repeatedly] until he forgives him” (MT Repentance 2:9). Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg writes, “Notice the language being used here–to pacify, to appease. The focus is the mental and emotional state of the victim, not the boxes that a perpetrator needs to check in order to be let off the hook. Is the person who was hurt feeling better? Have they gotten what they need, emotionally, spiritually? If not, why not?”

While actions do speak louder than words, and while true t’shuvah is only complete when the person changes their deeds, the words still matter. The apology is a form of restitution, a way to repair the harm that has been caused. Often the words are really the only thing we can offer in making amends. So we ought to make sure our words, our apologies, are the very best we can give.

Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy wrote a great book called Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home. The book explores the power of apologies and what makes them so hard to get right. We might think the verbal steps of t’shuvah would be easy – easier than actually changing our behavior, for example. But it is quite difficult for many of us to muster the courage and the humility to apologize to those we have wronged. So to help us, Ingall and McCarthy give us guidelines for how to apologize well. Here are the basics:

1. Say you’re sorry.

2. For what you did.

3. Show you understand why it was bad.

4. Only explain if you need to; don’t make excuses.

5. Say why it won’t happen again.

6. Offer to make up for it.

Six and a half. Listen. 

We’ve probably all been the recipients and the deliverers of bad apologies. Those are the ones that begin, “Sorry, but…” Those are apologies that minimize the harm done, or deny it even happened. They justify the perpetrator’s actions or place the blame on the victim. Or they’re just too vague: “Sorry if you were upset.” When we receive these apologies, they can very often exacerbate our hurt. But I hope we have all also had the experience of receiving and giving a good apology: a clear, specific, compassionate, sincere offering of remorse. That sort of apology really does have the power to heal. 

Jewish tradition teaches us that t’shuvah has immense power, the power to heal, the power to transform. And one of the primary components of t’shuvah is language. So as the prophet Hosea exhorts us, 

“Take words with you, 

And return to God. 

Say: ‘Forgive all guilt

And accept what is good;

Instead of bulls we will pay

[The offering of] our lips’” (14:3).

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1. On Repentance and Repair, pg. 41.