Shining a Light on Domestic Violence

December 12, 2025

When we see a menorah in a home’s window, what conclusions do we draw? Obviously, we say, “Jews live there.” We might also note that the homeowners know the halakhah, the Jewish law that says we are to put our menorahs outside our homes or in the window in order to “publicize the miracle” of Chanukah. But we should also assume that on Shabbat, at least, the light of the menorah shining through the window is reflective of the light and warmth within the home. This is because of a lesser known teaching about the laws of Chanukah.

“Rava said: ….When a person is poor and must choose between purchasing oil to light a Shabbat lamp for his home or purchasing oil to light a Chanukah lamp, the Shabbat lamp for his home takes precedence. That is due to peace in his home” (Shab. 23b). 

Rava is asking about how we prioritize our mitzvot in the event that it’s impossible to fulfill all of them. So he asks, which is more important: lighting the Shabbat lamp or the Chanukah lamp? He then answers his own question by concluding that the Shabbat lamp takes precedence. We might think his reason is that Shabbat is a more important holiday than Chanukah, but he tells us his rationale is “mishum sh’lom beito – in the name of peace in his home.” In order to understand this reasoning, we have to know a little bit about the halakhah of lighting lamps on Shabbat and Chanukah. On Shabbat, we light the candles (or lamps, in talmudic times) before Shabbat begins and let them burn as long as possible because we’re not allowed to kindle fire on Shabbat. So before there was electricity, Shabbat lamps were a family’s only source of light on Friday nights. The Chanukah lamp is lit only to publicize the miracle of Chanukah. It is prohibited to use the light of the Chanukah lamp for any other purpose, like reading or doing household activities. So if a householder only has enough money for one lamp and chooses to light the Chanukah lamp on a Friday night, placing it outside the front door or in an upper story window, then the family is left eating Shabbat dinner in the dark. To Rava, it’s better for the family to be happy and comfortable on Shabbat, even if it means not fulfilling the mitzvah of Chanukah. Therefore, if a menorah is in the window on Shabbat, we should be able to conclude that the family within that home also has the light of Shabbat, both literally and figuratively.

This passage illustrates the concept of sh’lom bayit, peace in the home. The Sages argue that peace in the home is a fundamental value that is to be upheld by both husbands and wives, supported by the community, and sometimes even God Herself. Sh’lom bayit supersedes other obligations, like our example of the menorah, because human dignity, harmony, and peace are our highest Jewish priorities. And sh’lom bayit is thus protected as much as possible because our ancestors knew, as we know, that peace in the home isn’t always such an easy state to achieve, and sometimes it’s downright impossible.  

It’s a little ironic that Shalom Bayit is the name of a local organization that works to eliminate domestic violence in the Jewish community. They explain their name this way: “Once a noble Jewish ethic of peace in the home, the term sh’lom bayit has come to imply that Jewish families do not experience violence. When this myth is shattered, our community has blamed women for their failure to maintain the image of a ‘perfect Jewish family.’ We hope that our name will spread a new message—not of keeping the family together at all costs, but of the right to true peace, safety, and sanctuary in one’s own home. This is the true meaning of sh’lom bayit, and the essence of building safe and healthy families.”

Shalom Bayit offers counseling, safety planning, and advocacy to victims of domestic violence, as well as educational programs for Jewish communities. One of their programs is an annual sermon campaign meant to raise awareness about domestic violence, which is why I’m speaking about it tonight. You might know this already, but it bears repeating: 1 in 4 women in this country will experience domestic violence in their lifetimes; this statistic is true across racial, economic, and religious differences, including in the Jewish community. Gay men and trans people experience domestic violence at similar rates. And while most victims in heterosexual relationships are women, men can be victims of domestic violence too. Domestic abuse includes not just physical abuse, but any pattern of abusive power where one partner seeks to control the other within an intimate relationship in ways that cause fear and intimidation. Tactics can include verbal or emotional abuse, financial control, sexual coercion, stalking, and isolation from loved ones and the outside world. Shalom Bayit helps Jewish people all around the Bay Area, women of all ages, stages, and backgrounds. They provide a free, confidential helpline, individual counseling, support groups, and emergency assistance. If you are experiencing domestic abuse or know someone who is, you are not alone. Help is available. Please be in touch with me or call Shalom Bayit’s helpline. 

We’re forbidden to light Chanukah candles while our loved ones sit in the dark. That menorah would be a shanda, a shameful act of hypocrisy. Likewise, we should also consider ourselves forbidden to perpetuate myths about perfect Jewish families at the expense of those of us, our relatives, friends, and neighbors, who are in danger. On this Shabbat before Chanukah, let’s turn on all the lights, and see if we can’t dispel some of the darkness.

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1. https://shalom-bayit.org/about-us/our-mission/