Hope for Unhappy Families - Parashat Chayei Sarah

I know it’s just a coincidence, but every year around now, I can’t help but appreciate the timing of our Torah reading cycle with the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving and Chanukah (or Christmas) are, of course, the occasions when many people make a special effort to be with our extended families. While some of us may find the prospect of lots of family time to be an unalloyed joy, others may be ambivalent about it or downright dreading it, and some of us just avoid it entirely. With the pressure of living up to all those heartwarming commercials of tearful reunions and happy families sitting around the holiday table, those of us with complicated or difficult relationships with our relatives might feel inadequate or even ashamed. Fortunately for us, our Torah reading cycle is right in the middle of Genesis, the story of a famously dysfunctional family. These stories remind us that family drama and family trauma are nothing new. They also remind us that even in the most broken of homes, healing is possible.

Last week’s parashah, Vayera, was almost comical in how terribly everyone treated their family members. Abraham’s nephew Lot avoids being abused by hostile townspeople by offering his daughters to them to abuse instead. Similarly, Abraham asks Sarah to pretend to be his sister so that King Avimelech will take her as a concubine and leave Abraham alone. The women aren’t much better. Sarah demands that Abraham cast out his wife Hagar and firstborn son Ishmael because she doesn’t want any competition with her own son Isaac. Hagar sees her son Ishmael crying of thirst in the wilderness and leaves him alone under a bush to avoid having to watch him die. And finally, Abraham takes his son Isaac to the top of a mountain and nearly slaughters him as an offering to God. Fortunately, God intervenes in most of these situations to prevent any lasting physical harm, but the emotional scars cannot be avoided. By the end of the parashah, Abraham is estranged from his wife Hagar and from both of his sons. Feel better about your family now?

This week’s parashah is called Chayei Sarah, “the life of Sarah,” but it actually begins with her death. The narrative focuses on what comes after: Abraham buys a burial plot for Sarah and then turns his attention to ensuring his line continues by sending his servant to go find a wife for Isaac. It looks like all the characters are all looking toward the future, leaving their difficult pasts behind. The portion ends with Abraham’s death, and the Torah makes a point of noting, “His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah” (25:9). Somehow, between the time of Sarah’s death and his own, Abraham has been reconciled with both Isaac and Ishmael. The Torah itself doesn’t tell us how, but our Sages, with great empathy and imagination, read closely and find hints to suggest that a certain tikkun, a repair, has taken place.

Our first clue is when Isaac meets his future wife Rebekah. The verse simply says, “Isaac had just come back from the vicinity of Be’er-lachai-roi, for he was settled in the region of the Negev” (Gen. 24:62). The Hebrew is strange, however; it says “וְיִצְחָק֙ בָּ֣א מִבּ֔וֹא,” literally, “Isaac came back from coming to Be’er-lachai-roi” or, as the rabbis read it, “Isaac came back from bringing from Be’er-lachai-roi.” What did he bring from Be’er-lachai-roi? You might remember that Be’er-lachai-roi is the place that Hagar ended up when she left Abraham’s house. So according to the midrash, Isaac goes there and brings Hagar back to his father Abraham (BR 60:14). Then, later in the parashah, we read, “Abraham again took a wife, whose name was Keturah” (25:1). But the rabbis read it not as “Abraham again took a wife,” but as “Abraham took [her as a] wife again,” that is, he remarried Hagar. The fact that the wife’s name isn’t Hagar doesn’t bother the rabbis, who explain that she is called Keturah “because she was perfumed [mekuteret] with mitzvot and good deeds” (BR 61:4). In other words, the rabbis suggest that before Isaac can marry and begin his new chapter, he needs to repair the rupture in the family that his mother Sarah caused. He restores Hagar to her place at Abraham’s side.

The medieval writers are even bolder in their elaboration on the biblical story. In a midrash called Pirkei de Rabbi Eliezer, Abraham sneaks out without Sarah’s knowledge (this is obviously before Sarah’s death) and goes to visit Ishmael. Abraham arrives but only Fatima, Ishmael’s wife, is home. He asks for food and water and she gives it to him. Abraham responds by praying for God to bestow blessings on Ishmael and his family, which God grants. The story ends, “When Ishmael came home his wife told him what had happened, and Ishmael knew that his father's love was still extended to him” (PRE 30:7). It seems that the rabbis couldn’t stomach the idea that Abraham would cast his son out of the house and forget about him, so they imagine Abraham finding a way to check on his son and make sure that Ishmael knows that Abraham still loves him.

With the help of the Sages, this dysfunctional family becomes slightly less dysfunctional. Poor Sarah doesn’t get the chance to undo the harm she caused, but at least her son takes it upon himself to repair the rift. Hagar and Abraham have a second chance at happiness, and Isaac and Ishmael find that they can share their father’s love. 

Every year, as we make our way through the Book of Genesis just as the Thanksgiving tables are set, our forefathers and foremothers are invited to our celebrations. They bring with them all of the troubles that so many families face today: rivalry and jealousy, neglect and cruelty, alienation and estrangement. But they also bring with them the blessings that we hope to inherit from them: forgiveness, humility, grace, faithfulness, and hope. Our stories give us hope that what has been bent can be straightened, what has been broken can be put back together. Our family saga isn’t over; we just need to write a new chapter.